For Me, To Live Is Christ

 This is my face of sheer unadulterated happiness:

This past Friday was my last day at CiCi's Pizza, where I have spent 3 and half years. Though it is bittersweet to leave a place where I have loved so much, I am excited to announce that I will be working at Chick-fil-a starting next week!

This new change is something I'm very excited about and that I believe God definitely has his hand in. I was so excited after getting the job the other morning that I got home, took a selfie, and was about to post about how great my life and my God are when I took a moment to think of you.

Yes, you. You scrolling down your Facebook feed to see me, yet another smiling face and happy story. And while you would rejoice with me, I'm sure, I just want to take a moment for those of you who see those posts of people who seemingly have it all (which i definitely wouldn't claim as me!) and think, "What about me?" "Where's my 'life-is-going-just-perfectly' moment?" I thought about you who may be struggling through some darkness right now. I thought about you who may feel totally alone, or worthless, or useless, or hopeless, or without peace, or tempted and about to give in.

I thought about you, because I've been there. I've been you.

And I want you to know that, yes, right now, God has brought me to a place of great healing; but in order for that to happen, I first experienced great pain.

You see, for the past year I've wandered into the darkness and floundered around searching for something solid enough to hold onto.

And, my friends, I looked for this anchor in all the wrong places. I looked to others opinions of me to feed my ego. I made work my sanctuary, and I made myself my god. I didn't realize it at the time, but I just wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to be desired, loved, and important. And I sought out these feelings every day. I searched for the world to fulfill me, they told me they would.
At CiCi's, I believe God called me to walk upon deep waters. And for a while, by the grace of God, I believe I did that well. But sometimes you can begin to sink in the waters that you are called to walk upon. Just like Peter, when I took my eyes off of Christ, I began to sink to into the waters of pride, lust, greed, and selfishness.

It was during this time I realized that God wasn't going to stop me from myself. If I wanted to get myself into trouble and be deceived by the world, then He wasn't going to put up a force field and keep me from doing what I had decided to do.

It seemed to me that God had given up on me. Nothing was happening in my life that showed God's love or presence (nothing that I noticed, anyway), and I took this to mean that God either wasn't interested in me anymore, or he wasn't really even there to begin with.

It was a darkness unlike any I have ever known. And sadly, sometimes (most of the time really) I still believed that I was fine. It's ok that I'm not in the Word- I'm still a good person.

It's ok that I'm not showing love to everyone- I'm still nicer than some people.

It's ok that I'm not fully present at church- I still go to church.

It's ok that I'm not in love with God- It doesn't feel like he's in love with me.

But the world loves me. Yeah, the world thinks I'm all that and a bag of Doritos. And God's all grace, right? So yeah, I'm good. Just cover that in your grace, God. I'm fine.

But I can see now that I wasn't fine. Whenever I fell short of the world's strict perfect standard, I would be devastated. The surest way to disappointment is to make the world your measuring stick for success. I'm never perfect enough, because their ruler is always changing. Several times, I ended up weeping on the bathroom floor because, "Who am I?! Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just be at peace?! God, where are you?! Why don't you stop this?! Why don't you stop me?!" 

But he didn't stop me, because that's not always what love looks like.

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, or boast. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no count of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1Cor13:4-7

Now, I can see that God has been patient with me. While I try to satisfy myself and my desires with things of this world, God has waited for me to turn to Him so that He could satisfy me completely. God has been kind to me. I could have wandered much father into the darkness than I did, but the Holy Spirit's presence in my heart saved me from even more heartache than I did have.

God reached down into my darkness and pulled me out. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Because He loves me.

And you would have had no idea.

You would see my adorable selfies and think that I am doing so well, and some of you would wonder why your life seems totally confusing while mine looks so sparkly clean (HA!).

Let me assure you, Jesus is Lord. When I fell short of the world's standards, Jesus genuinely chased me down and reminded me that when I live for Him, I am...

Holy. 

Blameless. 

Spotless. 

Adored. 

Forgiven. 

Embraced.

Loved.

Wanted.

Saved.

Set Free.

 I am slowly returning to a place of being able to say with full confidence, "God is far better."
God's grace is great for us, and I am so glad. I long to say alongside of Paul, "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

I am now more determined to walk upon the waters and keep my eyes fixed on the Creator of the wind and waves.

My prayer for this post is that you are able see that we all have scrapes and bruises from life, but that God still longs to pick us up and calls us his child. And if you're in a place of darkness right now, know that you're never alone. And if you need someone to talk to- please give me a call.

I love you all dearly and am praying for you <3

Also- thanks to those who I could text or call simply saying "pray for me." I know that you're prayers sincerely kept me from the devil's claws on several occasions. Thank you for being vessels of God's love.